SpongeBob / Pee / My Life is Retarded

On Monday, I made this tweet about SpongeBob.

On Tuesday, I made this tweet about SpongeBob.

On Wednesday, I ate spaghetti with Alex Bienstock. He said we could sell the pictures of us eating spaghetti for $80 and we could split the money.

On Thursday, I did a reading on the Upper East Side in front of people who wear Cartier watches and are civilized and better than me. This is what I read:

After drinking all day and suffering from heat exhaustion, I’m laying naked in my bed in a way that is pathetic instead of sexual. I’m scrolling through Instagram reels while the guy who is in love with me is begging me to come over. 

People say that Instagram reels are just a bunch of nonsense and garbage, but I come across something seriously awesome that would change all of their minds. It’s a video of a bunch of different ping-pong balls racing to the end of a labyrinth. One of the balls is Plankton. The other ball is SpongeBob. Then we’ve got Mr. Krabs and Squidward.

Each time one of the balls takes the lead, an AI-generated version of their voice starts singing the song that’s playing. It’s a cover of the song I Like The Way You Kiss Me. If you’re not familiar, it’s a super-awesome viral song about giving a woman “backshots.” 

However, I hate backshots. Ouch much? So this version of the song is even more awesome. It goes:

I like the way you rizz me 

I can tell you miss me 

I can tell it rizz rizz rizz rizz

Not tryna be skibidi 

I’ll hide it from the chat 

Just so you’re not fanum taxed

Et cetera, et cetera. 

The guy who’s in love with me texts me:

I love you so much Kathy

We just got 4 grams of blow come over

I respond by sending him the video.

He texts me again: 

I’ll get you a car

I respond by sending him the lyrics to the video.

He texts me again: 

Come over

I respond by sending him a screenshot of the top comment on the video:

Dude, this was peak. The SpongeBob comeback, the way that they blended together. Felt like they were creating together rather than destroying each other.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Basically, there’s a lot of these SpongeBob ping pong videos. It’s like each ball is competing to “win.” But this video in particular really stood out to me and 43,000 other like-minded geniuses because of the harmonious nature in which the balls follow one another, making it so that we can hear Plankton and Spongebob and Mr. Krabs and Squidward’s voice for roughly the same amount of time. 

I text the guy: 

Memorize the entire spongebob rizz skibidi and I’ll come over.

Fueled by love and cocaine, he complies. Just 4 minutes later, I receive a voice message. 

However, he’s misunderstood me. He’s reciting the top comment instead of singing the song. “Dude, this was peak…”

“THE SONG!” I demand, but then I look inward. It’s not really fair or right or kind to force him to memorize I Like The Way You Rizz Me. I should just be honest and upfront.

“I really just don’t feel like going out,” I say. “And, the last time I saw you, you were literally peeing everywhere.”

So, to clear things up, the last time I saw him, he was peeing everywhere. He passed out on the floor, knocking a chair over in the process. I kept yelling at him, trying to wake him up, but he was gone. I crossed my arms and looked out the window, oscillating between concern and annoyance, until I heard a sound like a faucet running. I turned around and saw him urinating all over his carpet floor.

“DUDE, YOU’RE PEEING! WAKE UP! DUDE! YOU’RE PEEING!”

He spoke for the first time since passing out. “I’m not peeing,” he said, calmly and confidently, and continued peeing. 

“DUDE! YOU ARE LITERALLY PEEING ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR! DUDE! THERE IS LITERALLY PEE ALL OVER YOU AND ALL OVER THE FLOOR! DUDE!”

After about 10 minutes of me yelling, he finally stumbled and got up. He removed his underwear and attempted to go to sleep in his bed.

“DUDE, NO–”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna try to fuck you,” he slurred.

“DUDE IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU FUCKING ME IT’S ABOUT HOW THERE’S LITERALLY STILL PEE ON YOU DUDE. DUDE, YOU ARE GOING TO GET PEE ON THE BED DUDE DUDE THERE’S LITERALLY PEE ALL OVER YOUR PENIS–”

He flopped face-down onto the bed, penis and all. 

I went home and texted him, knowing he wouldn’t remember what happened: “The dark puddle next to your bed is piss,” I wrote. “You have to clean it.”

Anyway, back to the situation at hand: I Like The Way You Rizz Me. “The last time I saw you, you were literally peeing everywhere,” I say.

“I will not pee tonight I promise,” he says. 

I wish there were four men who were in love with me, and I wish I could send them all the I Like The Way You Rizz Me video. And I could say to one guy, you know, “Hey, could you learn Plankton’s part?” And I could say to another, “Hey, could you learn Spongebob’s part?” and so on, and so on. Then I could put all of the files into Audacity and listen to it, and I could feel love, I could feel real love, I could be serenaded by four beautiful boys, and it would be peak. It would be peak, the way that they blend together, it would feel like they were creating together rather than destroying each other.