I’ve shifted from the OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet to the LAUGH diet. It basically means you only consume things that make you laugh and smile. So like, a sloppy joe, for example. Or a great big ridiculous bowl of spaghetti or a big slurpee from 7-11. The LAUGH diet also accounts for illicit drugs. Cocaine, for example, is not part of the LAUGH diet. Cocaine makes it physically difficult for you to laugh or smile and you kind of just end up talking about God and art and politics and gender and race and sticking your arms out and going “exactly.” This is not LAUGH-friendly.
The LAUGH diet was invented on Ketamine, making Ketamine a part of the LAUGH diet. However, Ketamine is technically laughter-adjacent. It definitely makes you smile, but, like cocaine, it makes it hard to laugh. But due to its essence of silliness and play, it is allowed in the LAUGH diet.
There is also an exercise plan that comes with the LAUGH diet. It includes tickling and jumping on the bed. While jumping on the bed, you can also lift your arms up and “raise the roof.” I was engaging in the exercise plan while jumping on a bed and two fellow LAUGHers, Charley (who asked me to clarify that he is both the guy who is in love with me and the guy who pees in his bed) and Dom, encouraged me to jump so high and extend my roof-raising arms so high that I could touch the ceiling. They believed I could do it, and so I did. It was the only thing I accomplished that day. I was applauded for my efforts.
Movie theaters in New York could learn a thing or two from the LAUGH diet. I wanted to go see that movie Longlegs because it is scary and has Nicolas Cage in it. Charley said we could see it together so I asked him to google whether or not there would be bugs in the movie because I hate bugs and if I google anything about bugs I might see a bug. He said that it seemed like bugs weren’t really in the movie. Then I asked him where we would go see it.
“Metrograph is pretty close to my house,” he said. “But Metrograph is expensive and the popcorn isn’t hot.”
“Honestly Metrograph isn’t fucking fun,” I said. “Okay, it’s fun if you want to be a little whore and show off your interesting little body while munching on interesting cold popcorn and japonais candies while darting your interesting eyes around counting how many POC (People of Clout) are in the interesting theater instead of watching the fucking movie.” To be clear, this is a type of fun that I am interested in sometimes. “Ohhh ten dollars for an Acqua Panna yes ohh don't mind if I do ohhhhh ohhh…”
“But the fun of the THÉATRE,” I continued, “LIES IN THE SIZZLING HOT POPCORN AND BUBBLY COLA!!!”
“Yes dude,” he said. “The cola from a fountain, not a bottle. With UNLIMITED REFILLS!”
“YES!”
“And glorping humongous handfuls of greasy popcorn into your interesting little pie hole!”
Woah. Too far. Pie hole?
“Well I wouldn’t use that phrase,” I said. “But shoveling great big glumping clumping crunching crinching clumps of popcorn into your sloppy mouth? YES YES YES YES YES!”
“WOOHOO! SLOPPY POPCORN SPILLED ALL DOWN YOUR SHIRT AND ON THE FLOOR AND ON THE CHAIR!”
“YESSSSS!”
“AND CHUGGING AND SLUGGING BACK COLA!”
“YUP YUP YUP YUP YUP!”
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At Bunny’s house, before my altercation with Billy at Sovereign House, I talk to Matt (gay) about how I’m missing fishtank.live to be here which speaks volumes to how much I like Bunny and Matt (gay).
“What is fishtank?” Matt (gay) asks. “Isn’t it where they just like, bully and torture people?”
“Well, kind of, but this season is different. You see they’re LARPing, and, well ok there’s vampires, and then there’s Xavier Ravenblood, and, well basically they’re all working together. Against the vampires.”
“Mm, I see. I don’t really think I get it.”
“Well yeah, it’s kind of for freaks. And losers. So maybe it’s not for you.”
“Right. I noticed that you and Charley both like it. So.”
—
Fishtank.live season 2.5 ends just in time for me to pick up a gram of Ketamine from L. The procuration of the Ketamine has come just in time for the photoshoot at Caveh’s tomorrow.