I'm Horrified I Feel Like I'm About To Be Arrested
The antibiotics I’m on for my UTI are making me shake and dry heave. I was at Planned Parenthood for a billion hours because I thought I had HIV and chlamydia and syphilis and pregnancy and AIDS. I’d spent an hour staring at my tongue in the mirror and getting scared that it was Mouth AIDS or Mouth Syphilis. So I called my doctor and he didn’t pick up the phone. So I called again and he didn’t pick up the phone again. So then I called Planned Parenthood and they told me to get my ass over there immediately and so I did and it was raining and I was running and I was soaking wet and hyperventilating. I prepared myself to be bombarded with anti-abortion protestors, and practiced saying, “Don’t worry I’m not getting an abortion I just have an extreme case of HIV AIDS syphilis chlamydia.” But there were no protestors.
I waited for over an hour to be seen by a doctor even though they insisted I fucking run over there as fast as possible.
The doctor laughed. She told me that my Syphilis Mouth Aids symptoms were simply my fucking tastebuds. She said my tastebuds were inflamed and I probably ate something spicy or crunchy. She said I did not have STDs or pregnancy but I did have a UTI. So now I’m on antibiotics.
Hannah waited for me in the waiting room and gave me a pastry treat. It was a real life-saver because I was woozy from them removing all of my blood. I’d asked her to come for emotional support because I was afraid they were going to shove horrible metal instruments into my area, a gynecological ritual which makes me scream and cry and become celibate for a few months. But they didn’t. The nurse was like, “Oh okay so here’s what you’re gonna do, you’re gonna go into the bathroom and shove this insane thing in your vagina, and then you’re gonna like, spin it around, and then you’re gonna take it out and fucking snap it in half or something, and throw it in this bag, and–” and obviously I started crying and I was like “I can’t. I can’t do that.” And she was like “Oh, okay, we’ll just do it through urine and blood, then.” And I was like, “Well, will it be equally effective?” And she was like, “Yes.” And I was like holy fuck. Why wouldn’t you just start with the piss and the blood then? Why would you have me shoving a bayonet into my vagina? You people are sick.
Anyway, since there was no metal instruments or bayonets or knives or guns getting shoved in me, I was fine. I felt bad that Hannah came all the way over there.
To celebrate my lack of AIDS and Charley’s birthday, I headed over to Fanelli’s to eat