Eye Candy

While peeing, I imagine trying to get a new apartment since my landlord is raising my rent. I wonder about what people who are prostitutes and stuff like that tell their landlord about what they do for work. I try to put myself in their shoes. The first lie I can think of is that I’m a welder. “Yeah, I’m a welder,” I tell my new prospective landlord. “Oh, really? That’s awesome,” she says. “What’s your favorite… tool?” I finish peeing. I’m washing my hands. I can’t think of a single tool. “I’m sorry. I lied,” I tell her. “I’m not a welder.”